Struggling with Sexual Brokenness (Part 1)

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Photo by Asaf R on Unsplash

The following blogs titled “Struggling With Sexual Brokenness” are a series of posts on dealing with sexual brokenness as it relates to identity, sexuality, spiritual growth and disciplines and healing. 

Timothy is a 15-year-old young man. He’s your average teen whose trying to do his best to make good choices and live a life that is both Christ-centered and God honoring.

But, he’s struggling with a host of sins in his life that many do not know about.

He’s struggling with pornography, masturbation and he’s dealing with same-sex attraction. He feels completely embarrassed, ashamed and shut down. He feels like no one could ever hope to even know or understand him. His life on the inside feels like complete chaos to the point of confusion and depression and anxiety.

Timothy would speak to his dad about it, but feels completely afraid of doing so. Timothy has already imagined in his mind that his father would either look down on him and make him feel worse or embarrass him.

In the culture that we are in now, it is not too difficult to fall into the addictive sin and lifestyle of pornography, fornication, masturbation, homosexuality and so on.

But, there is hope.

One of the things I’m finding out about sexual brokenness is that it is not as simple as just wanting to find sexual release. A lot of our sexual brokenness is an attempt to make ourselves numb to something…to escape the reality of what we feel is a miserable and insignificant life.

But, how did Timothy get there. How did any of us dealing with these issues get there.

For some, it was because we stumbled upon it online or in magazines or on TV or movies. Also, for some and others, it was a mixture of that as well as abuse and/or exploration.

Typically, the devil will try and take what you’ve been dealing with and make you feel like you’re the most disgusting, most repulsive and most insignificant human being God ever created. But, that’s hardly the truth of what the Lord thinks of you.

As a boy at about age 13, the enemy enticed me with the use of pornography, using it online to view it off and on throughout my teens and part of my adult years, and it took many years to break free from the addiction.

It was used to promote the thoughts I had about myself…the negative mindset that was not at all Christ-like such as the following:

I’m not like these guys…I could never be loved…I could never have a genuine relationship with someone who loves me as I am…I’ll never get to experience sex in the way that God designed it and intended and so pornography and masturbation is the best I can get…

For men struggling with same sex attraction and/or homosexuality the messaging is about the same. We’ll get more into detail on this.

God loves us…so much so, that he sent his son Jesus Christ to die on the cross. He took the place that we should’ve taken for our sins. He took the ultimate punishment and paid the debt in full.

But, to live in that reality of freedom and hope and love, we have to do a few things in our walk with Christ. Believe it or not, Jesus DOES want to deal with the deeper issues that are inside of you, even the things that seem small and insignificant.

Trust the Lord with the real you…the you you’ve been hiding…the you you’ve been struggling with….the you that has been drowning under the practices of sin and secrets.

Psalm 34:18 (NKJV) says this:

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit (or are crushed in spirit).

Isaiah 61:7 (NKJV) says this:

Instead of your shame you shall have double honor,
And instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion.
Therefore in their land they shall possess double;
Everlasting joy shall be theirs.

There’s a host of things that got Timothy and many of us to the place where sexual brokenness was a reality for our lives. Over the years, I learned that for me some of the stuff that happened to me in my childhood, the things I thought about myself, the bullying, feeling different and everything I experienced, required both counseling, connecting with other brothers in Christ, Bible study and prayer.

4 Things I Learned From Reading “Growth Into Manhood: Resuming The Journey”

 

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For the past few weeks, I’ve been reading and re-reading the book “Growth Into Manhood: Resuming the Journey,” by Alan Medinger.

The reading has been both informative and challenging as it relates to Biblical Manhood. I’ve spent a lot of time reading the writings of John Eldredge, but Alam Medinger has turned out to be a good and healthy change of pace.

Medinger speaks to men who have become men physically but are still in so many ways behaving like boys. But, he also addresses men who are attempting to leave or who have left homosexuality and same-sex attraction in an attempt to embrace their God-given masculinity.

After reading the book, I’ve been able to pull 4 things from the book that has really challenged me and helped me in my own walk into Biblical Manhood:

1. “STOP Believing ‘I’m Not Like Other Guys.'”

I learned that what I needed to stop believing was that I was “other” or “different.” While yes, I was unique, as the Lord made me. But, that didn’t mean that I was not capable of becoming the man that God called me to be. And, it certainly didn’t mean that I was not like the guys.

…he felt different from other boys, and different always translated as “less than” or “inferior to.” These feelings continued through the teen years and into adulthood. Even today, in the company of other men, he feels that somehow he is not a part of their world.

Medinger, Alan. Growth into Manhood: Resuming the Journey (p. 14). The Crown Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

In fact, my wife has consistently reminded me and encouraged me in more than one way, both seriously and comedically, that I’m definitely like her Father and her uncles.

I’m unique and so is my Father-In-Law and others on my wife’s side. But, like a lot of guys, I display a certain level of masculinity and even at times a kind of fun-loving and healthy “boyishness” that comes out at proper times.

But, growing up, I thought otherwise.

When I was a boy, I always felt “different.” I didn’t really care for sports and I was more interested in things like books, art and music. My personal interests and obsessions featured Meteorology and Nuclear Science.

I was often bullied and teased for the way I dressed, the way I talked and the way I acted. It also didn’t help that I was attending Special Ed courses for my less than perfect background in math and reading.

Over and over, various experiences in my boyhood kept affirming the LIE that I was “not like other guys.”

So, I isolated myself…my comic books, video games, cartoons, anime and current events and music and books kept me company.

And, I would continue stating what felt like the truth about myself:
“I don’t do what other guys do” or “that’s not my thing.” I found myself avoiding attempts at trying sports and the times I did try it wasn’t too heartfelt due to lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.

So, what would’ve and could’ve been healthy, masculine experiences with opportunities to test my manhood and grow were often missed…sometimes due to lack of mentoring and initiation. And other times due to a personal decision to avoid and keep away from the potential of feeling humiliated, embarrassed and shamed.

2. Break Down Barriers Between Yourself and Other Men.

Healthy growth into Biblical Manhood is an effort that does not occur by ones self. It is an effort that involves your daily walk in the Lord, taking in and living out the Word of God and connecting with others. In particular, other men.

Masculinity bestows masculinity, as I’ve heard others say.

 

The Lord convicted me during the reading of Medinger’s book, making me realize that I actually had a wall built up between myself and the men that I “assumed” were not like me and I not like them.

Because they did not have the same, unique, interests, or come from the same situation as I did, I felt as though I could not relate. It didn’t help either that I kept pushing the idea that I was “not like the guys.”

I prayed and broke the walls down in prayer, asking the Lord to forgive me and to help me build healthy and wholesome relationships with other men.

When those walls came falling, those emotional and mental and heart-centered and self-centered walls, I began to realize what I was missing out on in the masculine journey. In fact, I began to realize that I had just as much in common with the men at my church, the men at my job and everywhere else.

3. No Longer Live From the Place Of the Boy. Give The Lord The Boy That’s In You!

When you’re around adult men, you probably as I have before, felt really, really young. Then, the temptation comes to try and be more than who or what you really are.

You pose! You “fake it till you make it.”

This is especially true if you’re around men whom you perceive have it all together and seem to be at the pinnacle of masculinity.

And you, you feel like a little boy. For me, I felt, oh say around, 13 years old…stuck in a place of perpetual adolescence. Which made sense, because the Lord over time was showing me that that period of my life was filled with me realizing some of my gifts but not quite sure in my identity.

For a lot of men, they feel young in some place in their life…totally unprepared…unfinished…not completely mature or grown-up so to speak.

When men live in the place and space of the little boy, they never “put away childish things.” Everything is about them. It is self-preservation and selfishness and self-centeredness.

For men in this scenario, because what was supposed to be affirmed and tested in boyhood was not done so, life’s struggles cause men to fold, shutdown, give up, stay quiet, be passive and surrender.

This is where misinterpretation of life’s challenges and circumstances could take place — and confusion in boyhood comes, perhaps from mental, physical or sexual abuse or even from failures that were without mentoring or affirmation or just fear.

“…he (the boy) will soon be tested, and he will face battles and challenges as a warrior, and those tests and challenges often feel to men like a form of rejection or coldheartedness on the part of God, because he does not first know in his heart of hearts that he is…beloved.”

John Eldredge, Fathered by God, pg. 50

2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God has not given us the spirit of fear (or timidity), but of power, love and a sound mind.”

A little boy is comfortable. A little boy avoids responsibility, because responsibility can be uncomfortable. But God gives us responsibility.

Medinger, Alan. Growth into Manhood: Resuming the Journey (p. 179). The Crown Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

But, what if we give the Lord the little boy in us!? What does that even look like!?

For me, it was me giving to Jesus my deepest fears, hopes, dreams, desires and hurts. It was telling him about the abuse, the bullying, the rejection and the pain behind it.

4. Devotional Time!

As much as the antidotes and stories that Medinger shared were incredibly helpful and affirming as I learn to walk out Biblical Manhood, their is one thing that Medinger said that put everything in perspective…devotional time with God in prayer and Bible study.

As much as activities for men that bond help, and, realizing the issues and wounds in your own life held you back from real faith, what helps to bring it all together and move you forward is the time you spend with God the Father and Christ Jesus.

It has been amazing how much prayer time and Bible study has really helped me. The Lord has been bringing up past wounds from my heart to heal me. He’s “restoring my soul” and giving me a “new heart.”

The 33-Year-Old Boy

During May 2017 on a late Summer Thursday evening, I returned home to my apartment after celebrating the fact I finally finished my Master’s degree.

The silence of my apartment allowed me the opportunity to let my mind relax and enjoy peace and quiet without the rush of getting homework done.

I was happy. I was relaxed. I was prepared to sit back in my recliner and do some journaling.

Everything was lining up. I just earned my Master’s in Christian Ministry, I was engaged to my fiancé and things were really looking up.

But, something was out of sorts with me late that evening. A familiar feeling began to rise up. I felt a bit embarrassed that I was even feeling the way I was feeling.

I felt young. I felt like a little boy.

To talk about this, I sat down with a friend of mine, Joshua, and had breakfast and coffee as we discussed what was going on. I told him that I felt kind of young…about…age 13.

“What makes you feel so young you think?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I responded. “I’m not sure if its just because I feel like I’m free again after working so hard on my graduate degree. Or maybe I just feel like I can have fun again!”

“Explore what that’s about?” Joshua suggested.

I did.

I spent time in prayer, seeking the Lord and reviewing scripture. Memories began to flood back…memories from the present and memories from boyhood.

I was reminded of the times that I felt young and unfinished especially when I was around other men. I felt like I was “different” and out of place.

I was then reminded of the times that I was in Elementary and Middle School. I was often bullied and hardly ever connected with other boys my age growing up. I felt completely different and completely unlike other boys.

I wasn’t into sports. I wasn’t into a lot of the pop-culture of the time. I struggled with relating.

The memories were painful.

I was in fights I didn’t want to have.

I was often bullied and picked on.

I often tried avoiding confrontation.

I did everything I could to stay out of trouble.

But, I had to walk through them. And as I did, the Lord talked me through them in what sounded like whispers.

“You’ve been avoiding challenges.”

“Stop seeing yourself as ‘other’ or ‘different.'”

“You’re afraid of getting hurt.”

When I imagined and daydreamed, I envisioned the inner boy, the boy that was the younger me, feeling alone and lost and afraid.

God made it loud and clear. That was still me in so many ways. And He was more than willing to come in and bring the healing and deliverance and development necessary to grow me up.

It all started to make sense. In some ways, I realized that I sort of avoided dealing with my inner pain and issues.

It felt embarrassing. But I could no longer afford to pose and pretend that I was as solid as I could look. Especially when deep down I craved the kind of solid inner-manhood that I thought other guys had compared to me.

The Lord began the process of walking me through breaking agreements made: the idea that I was “different” from other males or unlike other men…and made me realize that I was setting up walls to keep from connecting with men different from me…and showed me that the “different” I’m seeing is uniqueness and that I can grow from the men who are sports fans as much as the men who are into the same things as I am.

Then, asking the Lord to come in and to bring healing to the boy, made a huge difference. I prayed over everything…the school bus incidents, the bullying, the times of humiliation and embarrassment and emasculation that seemed to come from every direction to shout out the message, “you’re not a man and you’ll never be.” 

I also began praying and asking the Lord to grow me up…to help me become the man that He called me to be.

I’m grateful that God used those moments of discomfort and unsettledness to really get my attention. It has caused me to really consider who I am as a man and to consider the Word of God in my day to day living.

 

The journey continues and my hope is that for those of you reading this you’ll join me as well!

In a culture filled with men who don’t know who they are, men who choose to live like boys, men who choose false reality and virtual reality over real challenges and real life situations, it is imperative to be the men that God has called and created us to be!

Not Like The Other Guys

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Earlier this week, while reading “Fathered by God” by John Eldredge, I was moved to ask the question, “what is it that I believed for the longest time that hindered my growth of being the best man I could be?” Then, it hit me, and it was something that echoed in my heart and mind for the longest time.

“I’m not like the other guys!”

When I was a kid, I could remember sitting in the back in class, drawing and creating things on paper from imagination. I listened to music that was totally different from my classmates. They listened to a lot of rap and hip-hop while I kept secret my love for movie instrumentals, news themes, rock, Gospel and so forth. As a kid, my passion grew for writing, cartooning and even youth ministry.

During Elementary and Middle School I struggled to relate with other kids, especially with other boys. Up until High School, bullying and rejection was the norm.

I talked differently…dressed differently…acted differently…and that made me a target for ridicule and shame.

The more I continued to investigate this, I found out something fascinating about this thought…this very thing that I believed about myself for the longest time.

While it was true that I was different from other guys (because we all are individually unique) I also was being robbed of the idea that I was not able to ever connect with other guys in a healthy, holy and brotherly way. Truth is, there are men that we can connect with that have our best interests as well as men who can relate to some part of our story that we are living.

And, I can still dare to be different as I go forward in my masculine journey. The world needs different men…men who are strong…men who will stand up when it is inconvenient…men who will be warriors for a cause greater than themselves…for there families, for there jobs, for there community and for all.

The idea of “not being like the guys” was a well crafted lie wrapped in what sounded (and felt) like a horrible truth.

Truth is…I am like other guys. I like adventure. I like a good challenge. I have strength (I may not be buff, but I have strength that surpasses anything on the outside). I have courage.

I also found out that there are other young men much like myself…the geeky…the nerdy…critical thinkers…creatives…men of Faith…followers of Christ…my people! It took some time, but, I was able to connect and bond with other guys and build up a brotherhood unlike anything I ever experienced in boyhood.

My hope is that you do the same in your own journey.